To Accept the Past

Everybody has their past. Our friends, our parents, our partners, and even us ourselves; You, and me, too. The past might be bitter lesson or remarkable memories, which somehow shapes us into who we are today. This part memory is inseparable and unchangeable. That’s just, live with you. And the best you could do is of course deal with it. And I’m fine with my past. I feel like, more often than not, I can be at peace of what had happened in my journey. Though it might be hurtful and problematic here and there. I love my self, I accept my past. But, that’s not the case when it comes to the guy that I like. 

I feel ridiculously hurt, to know his past. And it’s not even inherently hurtful. And even worse, it’s not even an act against nor betray me in any way. What he did, back then, even years before he knew me, had annoyingly unreasonably became pain on ass for me.

Like, God, he had candlelit dinner with his exes? He replied around 5 of his crush's tweet with  pictures? To know these, often times, burnt my mood and felt like I don’t wanna talk to him anymore. I felt like I want to burn the bridges rather than fixing it, I felt like, I’d delete my social media account rather than having to see those pictures when I accidentally hit “media” button in his twitter account. This, this unhealthy jealousy, put me in unnecessary agony. And I don’t want it, anymore.

It takes very much of me to let it sink, I’m doing nonsense. This, this very jealousy, is a huge problem if I don’t sit and think and deal with it. So, after some painful nights knowing he had past (I know!!!), here are my lesson learned:

1.     Relationship is two-hearts-homework, trust him too!

It’s really disrespectful when I think his past somehow would weaken him. No matter how beautiful and how awesome is his past, I need to trust him that he’s a grown up adult that had learned his lessons in life. No matter how much I invest my feeling and my effort in this ship, it wouldn’t change a thing if he still attached with his past. And vice versa, no matter how beautiful his past is, if he had decided it’s over and start over with me, then I need to trust him too, if I actually respect the ship.

If, by the end of the day, he comes back to his past, saying that he hadn’t actually moved on from it when he said he had, he lied, then it means that  he just won the designation of the most cruel human being. And that would be completely on him. And may universe serve what he deserved.

2.     It’s a PAST, goddammittt

Taking a step back, I really need to rub it to my face, the fact that; it’s his past. The fact that something has ended in the past, it means that it ended. It’s over. And unless, he stated that he hadn’t moved on from it, nothing needs to worry about. Even more, when I literally had asked him his feelings about his past and heard from his mouth that he had no string attached to the past. That being said. I need to trust him too. Isn’t it the point of every-thanggg

3.     Excuse me girl please reflect to yourself

As the last card, if the two points above still doesn’t make any sense, then I really need to take a look at myself.

When I was in love with people in my past, I love. I showered my significant other with love wholeheartedly. Until I learned my lesson. Does those beautiful memories made me couldn’t move on? No. Those memories are beautiful, yes. But then I learnt my lesson that things couldn’t work hence I closed the book.

After understanding those three points. It puts my heart at better peace. It’s okay, everybody has their past. When you decided to love someone, no one forced you to forcefully accepted their past. It’s with you. The decision is on your hand. And to me, I think I’m okay with the past.

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To throw the bad things away

They say we have to throw the bad things in our life away, so that we can have more space for the good things.

I've been fine living with the wrongs, that in 2020 I decided to cut them all once I noticed the good that I wanted to keep in life.

But then life, won't let you have it all.
The only good that I wanted, who is the reason I cut everyone else that does not fit my vision, does not want me back.

Lol
What a fucking clown.

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All those little things, I want it too (an ugly truth)

You know,
all those little things
that you threw for free for anyone but me
I want it too

All the love emoticons, that you put on her comment sections,
I want to attract your eyes too

All the likes, that you put on the artsy pictures in her social media
I want that validation too

All the support, that you shower on her witty writing tweet
I want you to read my writings too

All the songs, that you put on an album named after her initial
I want you to listen because of me too

All the effort, that you put to confess to her three times
I want you to try for me too, even for once

But to you,
I'm invisible

Solok, May 8th 2020

An ugly truth; you don't want me

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Inadequacy

Hi,
Welcome to my first writing in 2020, it's 1.02 a.m, May, 3rd 2020.
It's already one month since self-quarantine due to Corona.

Briefly, things are sad. people lose job, people starving, animal is starving. The fear, the tense, and the pressure from economic-life feels like it's endless.
I know it's a super privilege to not be bothered by that at all. My payroll is coming as per usual and my work does not directly depend on daily basis interaction.
Well, at least for now.
Hope it ends, soon.

On this,
It's 1 a.m and I just really need to spit it out. Maybe this gonna sound like a pathetic scream, but I couldn't care less at this point. If I'm allowed to blame Corona and it's all upbringing that gives me the wind to overshare, then so be it

***
In short:
I liked a guy who likes a very, unique woman. She's so unique that she feels like, me, but just a better achiever and live longer than me.

I know,
I know, it sounds weird and pathetic to compare,
This does not even sound like me to not love my self and to choked to death every night by the feeling of inadequacy.

But it's the truth.

I feel like I've been outsmarted by every possible step

But it's funny that
I don't hate her
I don't.
I adore her.
And I know this guy deserves to be with someone who's just as cool; her.

I've been dying to try to find different point on me and her.

Maybe, just maybe, she's bad at math when she was 5th grade?

I know I should never go to battlefield before I'm done with my self.

This, this personality of comparing, is really doesnt sound like me and I never thought I'll be one today
But when it comes to someone that you love,
it matters
because you afraid of losing them.

It is, a scream for help.
How do I escape?

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We Need Faith

We need faith. When thing does not feel like they are going somewhere, or when all these unpredictable things hit, thats where the faith helps. That at least, we felt secure about our current decision, about the path that we are taking.

As the age of 22 hits, as I graduated from college, that’s where it all began. I am, you know (lol you don’t) the typical mediocre student who is fine, my papers are fine, and I feel like I can go any way. I feel like I’m standing at the branches. with the time tic toc-ing waiting for me to actually finally made a say that I won’t regret

But it is not that easy

To figure out what do I actually want

What do I actually capable of

Knowing that taking one path, for instance, a desk based career will however begat the different type of Safira rather than if I chose the on ground job.

I’m young and I feel like I can tackle any problems and any challenges given.

But that’s where I realized faith does help very much

We like the idea that what is currently happening is for the best. We like to hear that this might happen for a reasong. We would not like to know that our decision, is a waste of something that does not create any result.

But every decision shows result anyway. Good or bad. It depends on your perspective.

And that, my darling, where the goddamn faith justify that "this (insert good thing) might not happen if only I did not take this (current decision)"

This goes in within the talk that I had with my friends earlier. About what we could be, as we know that life after college would be a long phase that like it or not, will shape you as who you are, will be the brand of your self. Friend, people,family, will start to know you-and the what you do for living- most likely

Pals

Stay strong

Have the faith

So that you will feel secured in this life

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Why cant you just endure your girlfriend when she was acting up

Why cant you just endure your girlfriend when she was acting up?

Even if you can’t endure it

Why can’t you just tell her that it is wrong instead of giving up?

Even if you are tired of telling her

Why can’t you just tell her that this does not have to mean an end?

Even if you think this has to be an end

Why can’t you just quit it without blocking her access to you?

Even if you so fed up and believed that you had to block

Why can’t you not exposing her wrongdoing in social media, telling the whole world what a shitty person she was?

Do you really have to crash her soul?

.

.

She had always been there

Why cant you just endure your girlfriend when she was acting up ?

.

Unless you mean it, and everything else is just the excuses.

Depok

December, 1st, 2018

02.36

To the one that got away

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On repeat

You were just a rope. With an unfinished knot, yet has tied so complex thus completing you just won't work, and untying you will only bring more pain.

You are a flower. full of thorn. Hurting me innocently. Killing me slowly. Enjoying my confusion. Bathing me with hopes in the morning. Draining my soul with the feeling of worthlessness in the night.

You are the melody. The sad song. That plays the line "one day you screaming you love me loud, the next day you so cold" in my heart and "do you have to make me feel like there's nothing left on me?" In my mind

You're not a question. Not the one big question.
Why
Do
You
Pace
Back
And
Forth?
No

I am the question, that only question.
What
Did
I
Do
Wrong?

I see the same steps that turning the back of me. With the same pain. With more confusion . With less shock
Why couldn't I be enough?

You're the same pain on repeat. The exact same wound. Stabbing me for times. bring me to bed with bleeding blanket. Oh that, familiar smell.
I don't want it anymore, please?
You said I shouldn't refuse
Are we in this together?
You said I should never hesitate
Will you tell me why?
You said you will, someday, -and the same answers since four years ago
Are you leaving me?
You said I should stop worrying bad things
You are coming for me, aren't you?
You don't.
Where are you?

You promised us to see a fireworks tomorrow
You left me stranded today
You didn't show up
You were sorry, you couldn't explain. Not now. Not the right time

Baby I know, the right time is never here.

You kissed me nice last night.
You don't talk to me next morning.
You said this isn't right
You take my skirt off the next night. I am the one. The only one.

Baby I know, you're my best mistake

Yesterday, I said I'll cut the rope tomorrow.
My time, stops today.
Good Bye




Depok, May 19th 2018
02.11 a.m

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