Everybody
has their past. Our friends, our parents, our partners, and even us ourselves; You, and me, too. The past
might be bitter lesson or remarkable memories, which somehow shapes us into who
we are today. This part memory is inseparable and unchangeable. That’s just,
live with you. And the best you could do is of course deal with it. And I’m
fine with my past. I feel like, more often than not, I can be at peace of what
had happened in my journey. Though it might be hurtful and problematic here and
there. I love my self, I accept my past. But, that’s not the case when it comes to the guy that I like.
I
feel ridiculously hurt, to know his past. And it’s not even inherently hurtful. And even
worse, it’s not even an act against nor betray me in any way. What he did, back
then, even years before he knew me, had annoyingly unreasonably became pain on ass for me.
Like, God, he had candlelit dinner with his exes? He replied around 5 of his crush's tweet with pictures? To know these, often times, burnt my mood and felt like I don’t
wanna talk to him anymore. I felt like I want to burn the bridges rather than
fixing it, I felt like, I’d delete my social media account rather than having
to see those pictures when I accidentally hit “media” button in his twitter
account. This, this unhealthy jealousy, put me in unnecessary agony. And I don’t
want it, anymore.
It
takes very much of me to let it sink, I’m doing nonsense. This, this very
jealousy, is a huge problem if I don’t sit and think and deal with it. So,
after some painful nights knowing he had past (I know!!!), here are my
lesson learned:
1.
Relationship is two-hearts-homework, trust
him too!
It’s really
disrespectful when I think his past somehow would weaken him. No matter how
beautiful and how awesome is his past, I need to trust him that he’s a grown up
adult that had learned his lessons in life. No matter how much I invest my
feeling and my effort in this ship, it wouldn’t change a thing if he still attached
with his past. And vice versa, no matter how beautiful his past is, if he had
decided it’s over and start over with me, then I need to trust him too, if I
actually respect the ship.
If, by the end of
the day, he comes back to his past, saying that he hadn’t actually moved on
from it when he said he had, he lied, then it means that he just won the designation of the most
cruel human being. And that would be completely on him. And may universe serve
what he deserved.
2. It’s
a PAST, goddammittt
Taking a step back,
I really need to rub it to my face, the fact that; it’s his past. The fact that
something has ended in the past, it means that it ended. It’s over. And unless,
he stated that he hadn’t moved on from it, nothing needs to worry about. Even
more, when I literally had asked him his feelings about his past and heard from
his mouth that he had no string attached to the past. That being said. I need
to trust him too. Isn’t it the point of every-thanggg
3. Excuse
me girl please reflect to yourself
As the last card, if
the two points above still doesn’t make any sense, then I really need to take a
look at myself.
When I was in love
with people in my past, I love. I showered my significant other with love
wholeheartedly. Until I learned my lesson. Does those beautiful memories made
me couldn’t move on? No. Those memories are beautiful, yes. But then I learnt
my lesson that things couldn’t work hence I closed the book.
After
understanding those three points. It puts my heart at better peace. It’s okay,
everybody has their past. When you decided to love someone, no one forced you
to forcefully accepted their past. It’s with you. The decision is on your hand.
And to me, I think I’m okay with the past.
