My 19th Birthday

That not so special Day

Hey, It is my 19th birthday.

Yeay!

I was on a terrible mix feeling whether I'm going to put this day into a not so special day as I had planned.

or,

Keep having this day as priceless as I used to. Yeah remembering myself is a strong believer of a self-rewarding precept. 

I have been celebrating this day for years, right?

One side, I did try my best so that I wouldn’t put today as a very special day. 

I remember last year, when I cried like a baby and sit alone at the bus-stop, reading Laksa’s message that telling me It’s all become gloomy because I did expect thing’s going to be all great and because I over specialized my birthday. Last year, in my 18th birthday, I was so sad cause no one seems like remember my day. Turned out they prepared a surprise for me in the night. lol

That day, a year ago, until last night, I believe he was true. Laksa was true that I wouldnt experience any sorrow of no-celebration-of birthday If I didn't over specialize my birthday. 

So there was me.

The night before it is October 30th, I changed my Facebook profile setting so that no one will get any stupid popped up message that tomorrow is my day.

I woke up all night as I slept all day before.

I tried to expect nothing, but It’s just I can’t stop seing my whatsapp, Line, and messages if there’s any wishes appointed to my self today.

Turns out. Ami TWT was the first one.

I didn’t really smile nor I opened the message immediately. I think I enjoyed to get those wishes messages, I decided to sleep so that I'l woke up to birthday messages later. lol

Sun finally rose and there my Mom talked on WhatsAp group chat of my family at 4 am in the morning, questioning where my sister was.

She, My sister, replied immediately. And mum asked back whether my sist slept or nope last night.

They kept talking as if they don’t remember today is my day.

I’m not gonna lie, It breaks me apart. Like, for years, Birthday been a thing for my family… But today no one’s remember my day? We all really awake all night in last May 27^th to commemorate my older sister Birthday. Mum and I did type a very long speech in our Line group.

Well…

Yeah you know how done I feel at this point.

I wondered Mum probably upset because in last call, few days ago, I quite silent cause she didn’t allow me to go to Bandung by myself, -not alone-

I know she deter me from going due to safety reason, but

It’s just I’m always this childish and get very silent when it comes to shit didn’t work the way that I want.

There I was so sad and only read the WhatsAp chat from the popped up screen without really opening it.

I then decided to turned off my cellphone so that I won’t receive any call.

No.

Not today, calls.

Thank You.

I turned off my another phone as I wanted to drown in a long sleep. It’s just another day. I’m going to sleep all day, woke up in evening, get my breakfast-lunch-dinner in once, rewatch some oldie movie all night, and sleep.

But then, the minutes before I really goes into my dream, In 5 am in the morning, I decide;

Why

Why is it should be specialized by people around me?

Why do I expect people to carry on my happiness instead of me?

Nah.

Today is my day.

I’m going to make it special.

I need nobody to work this day with me.

I’m going to serve my self what I deserve, right?

Yeah.

So here my plans; 

After hours of sleep, I’m going to dress the way that I want, then go to my fave restaurant, feed my stomach. Order double or triple portion foods. Probably will go to bookstore, Should I watch movies in cinema too?

I don’t know yet.

I’m going to be happy today. I emphasized.

At this point, 

I finally decide that I’m going to keep this day as a very special day for my self. 

For keep being alive. 

For all those thirst, 

For all those relief and regrets.

For been working my ass to get through every shits

For being me

For every tolerance

For everything.

For me.

Happy Birthday, Me 

Thank you for staying to get through these 

You are awesome as always.

How this day going on.
23.00 pm

So here I am sitting in front of my laptop in the place that I have chosen

I slept after wrote my plan about this day after Subuh prayer.

Turned out, I woke up at 14.00 pm

I woke up to messages in my Instagram Account.

Syadza sent me a pict of her after-woke-up selfie. Seriously, I’m not gonna lie but If there’s a guy would probably have crush on her, showing this pict will make him think twice, I guess.

I love her for being real around me. I thank her and go to my LINE. Checking messages after messages without really opening nor replying them. I thank you all guys for those messages and wishes and pictures and videos. Really. I wished all those wishes go the way for you too. Amen

in 14.07 pm, I put some sweater to go get my lunch.

It’s a lil bit rainy. I ve been craving a bowl of bakso pake telor. But my bad, the shop ain’t opening today.

Thus I decide to order another foods.

After get my lunch, I went to minimarket to buy meises ceres and vitacimin. Simply just because I want to eat meises ceres and vitacimin.

I went to my room and read my family whatsAp group. Mum, Dad, and Sisz been asking where am I, why do my phone Off. And followed by Birthday wishes for me.

I thank them and told them I just woke up and my phone went off since last night.

Dad gave me a call.

I love you, Dad.

Mum gave me a call, there, I said that I thought she was forgot it is my birthday since she talked in Whatsap Group in 4 in the morning but didn’t congratulate me at all. she confessed that she pretend to forget the day in Morning as she knew I’m upset because she didn’t let me go to Bandung in the earlier day. Ugh mum. I know u didn’t allow me for my own sake. I’ll never mad for that. [Yea I was a lil bit sad but not mad lol]. She claimed that she'll never forget this day as my day "How can I forget while today, 19 years ago, I'm dying in pain to give you a birth?" I blushed. Can't thank her more. She's my life.

My sist sent me texts, but I refused to thank her, I told her that I want a call instead.

She need some minutes to buy some credits then gave me a call.

I slept, again, in the afternoon [Yea I literally just woke up for three hours to get my lunch]

I woke up (again) at 9.00 pm

It is still a rainy day.

I decided to take a bath.

There, there it is.

I answer my sister call after took a bath

There.

To questions that I wanted to ask since the last two months finally asked. With 23 minutes call, I let all tears and all question thrown.

Yeah. My sister and I got some ‘problems’ that we haven’t finished in the last holiday when I home. 

We didn’t really talk in the last two weeks when I home. Even until my flight back to Jakarta.

After the holiday's over, when I'm here and she's there, turned out she just talk and replied me as usual in Line family group. As nothing's happened. As she didn't ignore me in that last two weeks.

Me, Im not than kind of person. I wouldn’t get through a problem just by forgetting it and pretend nothing were happened with us.

Thus, today,  I am asking and seeking for her explanations.

I cried from the very beginning. Said we should not do this. Tell her how mad I am for what she just done and did. Said she should act that way as an older sister.

She, finally cry, too.

In short, we love each other no matter what. She, is the best older sister that you ever asking for. Omg I cant believe Im crying while typing this. But yeah, I'm not gonna lie but she's just that kind of sister that would gve her everything for her sisters. Who'll prioritize her younger sisters than herself. Who'll protect me, us, no matter what.

She then apologize, me too.

We know we love each other. Mom taught us well how a sisterhood suppose to be.

We end the call by telling how much we love each other and of course, She told me she is going to send me some money as my birthday present :p

There it is.

I feel so much lighter after the call.

Yeah. All we need was just some courage to talk, to apologize, to express what we feel. 

Have I told you that I’m a strong believer upon honesty and self expression?

Its kind of 10 pm when the rain stopped and I decided to go to KFC and serve my self what I deserve.

I’m going to congratulate me.

Like, why not?

I ordered Uber to go to KFC.

Turned out, the guy who picked my order asked me some questions when we were in the ride. He asked me whether I have appointment with friend that I went to KFC

I answered; nope, I’m just going by myself. -without telling I'm going to reward myself for my birthday because he probably will find it pity and I don't have any intention to explain him my point of view about this-

AND

He texted me when I’m in KFC

“Kalau bete sendirian bilang nanti saya temenin kalau mau, Ga usa takut saya juga mahasiswa”

Lol I’m dead.

I dint take it serious.

I didn’t replied, of course.

Well, that’s for today.

Thing is, You just get more tolerance and more understanding upon your life every day, every year.

Above all, the happiness, is your own responsibility no matter what.

Why do let society define your happiness?

Happy Birthday, Me!

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Break Any Legs

And yes you might finally afford that pricey-fancy car,
yet it has something to do with this question: 
   how good you are to drive the car to the deserved places.
To make that exclusivity.



Yes it might ease you in some certain i-dont-know ways, 
yet the places you go with it is depending on where you -driver- drives.



And just,
Ain't it kill you when you are in that car with all its spotlight and exposure ,
yet you are stuck and drive nowhere 
while excuses to hide under the veil that you are overwhelmed and still trying to know which one is your pedal are not working anymore?


From the deep (not est) - who haven't break any legs.

Depok, Oct 3rd 2016

The thirst-me

Break any Legs

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And yes, I know i promised my self to write once a week. 

I'm Sorry

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Eid Mubarak 2016

Well, consistency is a great thing. Well, pretty hard to discipline my self to write every Saturday.
Sometime i dont know what to write, after considering too many thing to write in the whole weekdays.
It's suck, right?
At least i'm trying, i'm dealing with this ;)
well now that's me
.
.
There's nothing really special in Eid Fitr this year. My grandma went Jakarta. so it's just few of us celebrate the day in Sumbar.
But we have other side, as always, right?
The perks of celebrating Idul Fitri just with my core family, it does increase our intimacy.
We are all having much more intense days.
And i do love that :)
we talked, and reviewed my silly act in childhood
we talked, then somehow it arrived into mom's grandchildren. Holly yeah, Mom's been craving a grandchildren. I bet dad doing the same.
LOL

one thing was going on.
One of my cousins got married a couple of months ago. She's taking her husband to our house in village for the first time.
Comes out, he is unable to speak Minang language.
i couldn't help my self to not smile seing how confuse he is and keep asking my cousins about translation of what people are talking
.
.
People are talking, my cousin helping her husband to understand, i'm drowning in my own mind.

I'm wondering, as much as i'm craving a foreign husband, how will it be then? Well, i guess, translating the talks to English for my own husband would be a fun, no?
my wild dream.

.
.
.
Guys, don't you think that time flies too fast recently? It feels like 2006 was yesterday, turns out it's been 10 years.
Silly.
I love growing older, i love these changes.
Then next, less than 10 years later, I'm going to visit your 2nd child baby born.
Enjoy your time, fellas :)

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Flash Fiction

Gatau mau nge post apa,

jadinya nge post flash fiction lama ini

This one, was made on March 22nd 2016

Inspired by Yudha.

Malam sebelumnya kita beneran telfonan.

This one, was made on April 4th 2016

Inspired by Fajar

Malam sebelumnya he asked the exactly same question.

Well,

Things around us could always become our inspirations.

Me, myself, inspired greatly by a feeling. :)

.

.

Then, what inspire u the most?

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Family Deep Talk

Hello :)
Been doing nothing productive selama liburan.
Then I decide buat continuously ngisi blog setiap Sabtu.
Thus, stay tune. My readers yang beberapa tapi sangat menginspirasi gue buat terus menulis. ;)

Awalnya gue bingung mau ngisi apa, kerjaan gue selama liburan di samping makan dan tidur cuma meng-khatam kan film-film yang ada di hard disc  Cica doang. Sempet kepikiran buat bikin movie review aja.
But, I guess it ain't fun.
So here we come up with a topic: Family Deep Talk.

Gue udah besar. Udah 18 ongoing 19 this year. Cica juga udah dewasa, tahun depan Cica selesai S2. Aira? dia lahir waktu gue udah kelas 6 SD,  you do the math lah ya.
Since gue sama Cica udah mulai gede, ketika kita (my fam) ngumpul-ngumpul, pembicaraan nggak sekedar receh-receh doang lagi.
We started to come to deep talk zone.
Mama, mulai menginternalisasikan nilai-nilai hidup.
In general mama selalu mendidik kami for real sih, tapi sekarang levelnya meninkat satu level, dan akan selalu meningkat. Kayak, ketika nanti Cica menikah, I bet pelajaran yang disampaikan mama akan naik ke level membina hidup berumah tangga, dan ketika mungkin Cica punya baby, life lesson selanjutnya jelas tentang how to take care of ur bby, rite?
We see the pattern.

Gue suka deep talk.
Rather than weather talk yang boring.

Well
Mama setuju-setuju aja waktu gue mengajukan proposal pengen nikah sama bule. lol. Under the note As long as dia muslim.
Mama kurang setuju waktu kakak mengajukan proposal pengen nikah di usia 27-28.
Faster is better, Mommy said.
Kemudian kakak menego lagi dengan alasan pengen berkarir dulu.

Gue senang dengan tahap baru ini. It's like, they even listen to my opinion waktu kita nonton TV One bareng-bareng. They even listen and asked and response while i explained about Unfairness of JIS case yang nge hits di kaskus tempo hari.
Sumpah, gara-garanya, gue akin semangat connected with news and issues.

What I'm going to say is,
Time does fly.
When you realized, lo udah dewasa, ortu udah menua. Waktu akan semakin berasa berharganya.
For sure.
Family does matter in internalizing your point of view about life.

Be a good human.

It's either for your own sake, or your parents, or your children.
Cause u are the leader of your own self, a kid of  your parents, and will be the parent of your children.
Be a good human who internalize good points, thus you started a gold chain. Memulai rantai kebaikan.

---
Unjust, berat ugha.

Well, gue mau kasih flash review tentang film-film yang gue tonton seminggu belakangan deh:

Ted 1&2
Ted 1 rilis tahun 2012 while Ted 2 rilis 2015 lalu. Film ini menceritakan tentang boneka Teddy Bear yang hidup atas wishes yang sempat dibuat oleh seorang anak yang gapunya temen di christmast eve.
Gue kira film nya lebih ke film anak-anak yang menjelaskan how great to live with a living Teddy Bear. Eh, di menit pertama, dijelaskan kalau si-owner boneka hidup bahagia sampai dewasa menjalani hari-harinya bersama Teddy Bear. Itu udah kelar di menit menit pertama.
Gue bingung. Terus filmnya tentang apa dong?
Ternyata, out of expectation, the film shows us tentang degrading Teddy Bear. Teddy Bear nya suka mabok dugem etc. kocak. Film nya lucu. gue ngakak banget (besides gue yang terlalu receh)
i rate this movie 9/10 for a commedy film. film nya ringan dan berakhir happy ending. Well, a movie with happy ending is my-movie.

Pandemic
Filmnya lumayan baru, keluaran 2016. Science fiction thriller. Cerita tentang wabah penyakit yang meng-zombie kan manusia. I watched this kind of movie a lot. Dari jenis anime sampe hollywood. Nothing's really special. I still prefer High School of the Death. Gue kurang puas sama endingnya. this movie got my 6/10. It's not a bad choice kalau lo lagi sekedar pengen nonton-nonton doang ngabisin waktu.

Love, Rosie
Gue suka aja denger aksen british yang unik. Film nya tentang romance. love between dua dahabat yang baru bersatu setelah mengalami banyak hal. Kinda sorta telat menyadari perasaan. It's good.
film nya bagus-bagus aja kok. But, since gue kurang suka sama film romance, i'll give it 7/10.
Tapi sumpeh ceritanya bagus-bagus aja menurut gue kalau lo suka film romance.

Always
Ini baru gue tonton tadi malem. Sebelumnya gue kurang suka nonton film Asia. Tapi semalem gue berniat nonton film dari abjad awal. film ini ada di atas karena dengan awalan "A", Film korea, ceritanya bagus. Romance. 8/10 lah

300 Rise of an Empire
Film keluaran 2014 yang cerita tentang zaman perang Persia dan Yunani. It's a good movie with a nice ending. My typical of movie lah. I give it 9/10 lah.
Bagus buat yang suka film historical yang ada perang-perangnya.

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Ngga Lulus

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Bookstore

I bet you all guys know it, the things that so addictive from bookstore. A simple shit but yea, realize it or not, it does exist:

The Smell of Bookstore

I don’t know is it just me or everybody feel the same. Bookstore just have that kind of smell. The small that so relaxing and make you want to jump into those full of books sea.

Yesterday I bought my monthly needs in Detos. Just to kill the time, I visit a bookstore, I know I’m about to broke. But, I just can’t help myself to not visit the bookstore.

I promised myself to do not buy any.

Yea.

I wouldn’t buy any.

But

But

Even my heart doubted my own self. I put 60k in my pocket, whispering: Just in worst case scenario, If I can’t help myself to do not buy any. I would just buy something below 60k

So I stepped myself in

At the front, I saw Boy Chandra’s book. That was his 7^th or 8^th book. Well, it amazed me. It was when he about to publish his first book (Origami Hati) when we met. When I was a reporter for a local newspaper. But look, now he’s a star. He got his 7^th, and, damn, it makes me wondering: What have I done all this time? I keep wondering I’m going to publish my very own book but, ah---

What a shame.

So I continued to see another book, and it was like:

“OMFG its look interesting”

“Oh shit no way this is what I’m looking for”

“Oh I really curious how great this one”

“Ohmy, I always wanted to buy this one”

And that was how it gone

It was a really tough decision which one to buy

But then

I saw this book. And yea, I fell for that:”)

The price tag showing 85k

Its upper than my budget at the very beginning

But,

Yea

I Can’t help my self

Then I told my heart it’s Okay, Habiburrahman El Shirazy will not disappoint us, right?

I decide to buy this. My head did the math. I’ll buy 6 GB internet quota instead of 10 GB as I used to. So the money that I used to buy packet data would go for this book instead.

It’s okay. It’s Okay. Smart decision, Fira. You won’t have a lot of time to browse. You have a book to read.

I cheered myself.

Well yea

I just fall quite often in bookstore. :”)

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I Learnt

Remember my last post about the competition?
So here's how the things were going on.

we leave at 6.00 p.m from Depok, that was kinda traffic, so we arrived at Bandung around 9.30 pm
I picked up by Fajar as i had planned before.
He brought me to my girl friend's place: Gita.

They gave me a very great hospitality. Really. Thanks a lot for you guys, so i could save a lot of money instead of paying for hotels lol.

1st day.
1st prelim
i was so nervous.
My first rival was UKCW or UK something. i forgot the name of their institute. there were 3 girls. my team as Opposition, the adjudicator was Kak Omar, under the motions, Em, if im not mistaken. THW let indigenous people punish enviromental cimer. Me as the opp, dont like it to happen, and Alhamdulillah, we manage that to happen. we won that :)

2nd prelim
Its also the 2nd day. my opponent was PCU, Parahyangan Catholic University. there were 3 dudes in their teams. that was tougher than before. i even looked a lil bit more nervous Kak Gaby (My teammate, my pro) said.
We were government. We won that 2nd prelim :)

3rd prelim
Hell ya, that was UGM A, the team who's already senior. come on dudes, this is my 1st competition. But still, I was struggling, put my best effort, faced that UGM A as good as i could.  the adjudicator was kak Ian, kak Aldi's twin.
Kak Gaby and Kak Rora said that i improved a lot compared with previous stage. Yet we lose but thats okay. i can take that. at least i made improvement. And yea, they're the asses who've been in debating chair like for years. Its okay :)

There were only 3 prelims in 1st days. It resulted UI A (Kak Rora-Me-Kak Gaby) 2 victory points. UI B (Irfan-Kak Kris-Shilla) 3 vp, UI C(Ave-Laras-Kak Andre) 2 vp.
That's okay.
we'll improve a lot tomorrow, my heart said.

2nd day

4th prelim
That was Undip A who i had been underestimated at the very first place. but hell yea, we lose. It thaught me i should never ever underestimate any universities based on their name. Of course. Undip A was quite good. that was a nice debate.

5th prelim
We manage to win after beat EDS Unsoed C. that was good too. they're quite good.
We win :) under the motion THW Nationalize cyber security companies.

Then.
The teams who broke to pre-oktofinal got announced.
Oh my.
i was worry as fuck
we only won 3 stages.

UI B break as 5th with 4 vp
UI C break as 7th with 3 vp
UI A break as 10th with 3 vp as well.

It was a shame as the A team but i only managed to break as 10th. but that's not really the matter, i had to do my best.

Unfortunately. the 16 teams had to battle. And the system resulted my team, UI A, had to battle with UI C.
Under the motion, We gonna subsidize woman who studied in STEM majors (Science, Techno, Engine, Math). My team was the government. the adjudicators were Kak Romario, Kak Ian, and Kak Dhika)

We were on octofinal. as the only UI team who broke. (yea, UI B were failed at the pre-okto)

We were going to face BINUS A
In a sudden, i had to be as a 1st speaker, as Kak Gaby's instruction.
And i did well. i can say i did so well tbh.
i was quite confidence that my team gonna proceed to Semifinal.
But,
the fate didnt say so. I had to learn harder. BINUS A as the opposition site of the house won the case.

We lose.
Under the motion: As NATO, THW increase millitary army presence in arctic region in response to Rusia.

We made it. but unclear burden of proof  and models, made us cant be counted much. we lose.
Kak Rora cried.
Kak Gaby said she was sad although he still managed to laugh and cherish us.
I learnt.

I have to work much harder.
there are so many fvcking awesome debaters out there.
i ll put my best, so that someday i'll probably be as cool as UGM A who swept all the 5 preliminary rounds.

For the opponents, coaches (Kak Cara Kak Alif), Judges, teammates, partners, friends, supporters, i thank you all.
I learnt.
and will, still, learn.

-laft
-ur Pro wannabe. Amen

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The worries

Long time no write. A bunch of stories that worth to be written. Some peacefully write in my diary. And here's the rest.
Well, this is my trouble. I don't really sure when it's time to open a new page on my site or on my diary. I couldn't really find the difference. Nothings too private I think. Sometimes I think imma an open book. Yet sometimes I think I should keep a thing private so that I ll have something special to be talked with my significant others :(

Well, now...
Here's the thing that I want to share.
I'm in a horrible worries.
Tomorrow is my first competition. English debate. At UNPAD.
That was really like a long time ago since I was in the similar competition.
Kind of a year ago.

I'm afraid.
Really.
I afraid what if I  disappointed my team mates.
Kak Gaby. She's fucking great with her analysis.
Kak Rora. She's so damn good with her narrative pronunciation.

I'm afraid that I messed up.
I'm afraid if I didn't make this up, I ll have no chance for my future career in debating.
Hft
I really afraid messed up the shits

...
I swear...

I hope I made it

Ah
Then, as I always have to, emphasize the purpose of this writing at the very first place...
See it from another positive perspective.
I really have to feel like this, so that I wouldn't feel so much high as an expert then get selfish, don't wanna improve my capacity anymore. Nah, we dont like that.

 I should feel thirsty. And here's probably the way Allah slaps me right on the ass.
Feel the fear!
Yet there's a sky up to a sky.

Extend the comfort zone!
I have to keep struggling so that i ll be the better me in the future. Lead those hard worker asses to be me. Inspire people.

It should be a challenge to  get another great story.
I won't give up.
Even if, even if I didn't make it. Allah's plan would be always the greatest, right?
Bismillah



Depok, Feb 26th 2016
00.49 am
Under the rain
The worrying me

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