My 19th Birthday

That not so special Day

Hey, It is my 19th birthday.

Yeay!

I was on a terrible mix feeling whether I'm going to put this day into a not so special day as I had planned.

or,

Keep having this day as priceless as I used to. Yeah remembering myself is a strong believer of a self-rewarding precept. 

I have been celebrating this day for years, right?

One side, I did try my best so that I wouldn’t put today as a very special day. 

I remember last year, when I cried like a baby and sit alone at the bus-stop, reading Laksa’s message that telling me It’s all become gloomy because I did expect thing’s going to be all great and because I over specialized my birthday. Last year, in my 18th birthday, I was so sad cause no one seems like remember my day. Turned out they prepared a surprise for me in the night. lol

That day, a year ago, until last night, I believe he was true. Laksa was true that I wouldnt experience any sorrow of no-celebration-of birthday If I didn't over specialize my birthday. 

So there was me.

The night before it is October 30th, I changed my Facebook profile setting so that no one will get any stupid popped up message that tomorrow is my day.

I woke up all night as I slept all day before.

I tried to expect nothing, but It’s just I can’t stop seing my whatsapp, Line, and messages if there’s any wishes appointed to my self today.

Turns out. Ami TWT was the first one.

I didn’t really smile nor I opened the message immediately. I think I enjoyed to get those wishes messages, I decided to sleep so that I'l woke up to birthday messages later. lol

Sun finally rose and there my Mom talked on WhatsAp group chat of my family at 4 am in the morning, questioning where my sister was.

She, My sister, replied immediately. And mum asked back whether my sist slept or nope last night.

They kept talking as if they don’t remember today is my day.

I’m not gonna lie, It breaks me apart. Like, for years, Birthday been a thing for my family… But today no one’s remember my day? We all really awake all night in last May 27^th to commemorate my older sister Birthday. Mum and I did type a very long speech in our Line group.

Well…

Yeah you know how done I feel at this point.

I wondered Mum probably upset because in last call, few days ago, I quite silent cause she didn’t allow me to go to Bandung by myself, -not alone-

I know she deter me from going due to safety reason, but

It’s just I’m always this childish and get very silent when it comes to shit didn’t work the way that I want.

There I was so sad and only read the WhatsAp chat from the popped up screen without really opening it.

I then decided to turned off my cellphone so that I won’t receive any call.

No.

Not today, calls.

Thank You.

I turned off my another phone as I wanted to drown in a long sleep. It’s just another day. I’m going to sleep all day, woke up in evening, get my breakfast-lunch-dinner in once, rewatch some oldie movie all night, and sleep.

But then, the minutes before I really goes into my dream, In 5 am in the morning, I decide;

Why

Why is it should be specialized by people around me?

Why do I expect people to carry on my happiness instead of me?

Nah.

Today is my day.

I’m going to make it special.

I need nobody to work this day with me.

I’m going to serve my self what I deserve, right?

Yeah.

So here my plans; 

After hours of sleep, I’m going to dress the way that I want, then go to my fave restaurant, feed my stomach. Order double or triple portion foods. Probably will go to bookstore, Should I watch movies in cinema too?

I don’t know yet.

I’m going to be happy today. I emphasized.

At this point, 

I finally decide that I’m going to keep this day as a very special day for my self. 

For keep being alive. 

For all those thirst, 

For all those relief and regrets.

For been working my ass to get through every shits

For being me

For every tolerance

For everything.

For me.

Happy Birthday, Me 

Thank you for staying to get through these 

You are awesome as always.

How this day going on.
23.00 pm

So here I am sitting in front of my laptop in the place that I have chosen

I slept after wrote my plan about this day after Subuh prayer.

Turned out, I woke up at 14.00 pm

I woke up to messages in my Instagram Account.

Syadza sent me a pict of her after-woke-up selfie. Seriously, I’m not gonna lie but If there’s a guy would probably have crush on her, showing this pict will make him think twice, I guess.

I love her for being real around me. I thank her and go to my LINE. Checking messages after messages without really opening nor replying them. I thank you all guys for those messages and wishes and pictures and videos. Really. I wished all those wishes go the way for you too. Amen

in 14.07 pm, I put some sweater to go get my lunch.

It’s a lil bit rainy. I ve been craving a bowl of bakso pake telor. But my bad, the shop ain’t opening today.

Thus I decide to order another foods.

After get my lunch, I went to minimarket to buy meises ceres and vitacimin. Simply just because I want to eat meises ceres and vitacimin.

I went to my room and read my family whatsAp group. Mum, Dad, and Sisz been asking where am I, why do my phone Off. And followed by Birthday wishes for me.

I thank them and told them I just woke up and my phone went off since last night.

Dad gave me a call.

I love you, Dad.

Mum gave me a call, there, I said that I thought she was forgot it is my birthday since she talked in Whatsap Group in 4 in the morning but didn’t congratulate me at all. she confessed that she pretend to forget the day in Morning as she knew I’m upset because she didn’t let me go to Bandung in the earlier day. Ugh mum. I know u didn’t allow me for my own sake. I’ll never mad for that. [Yea I was a lil bit sad but not mad lol]. She claimed that she'll never forget this day as my day "How can I forget while today, 19 years ago, I'm dying in pain to give you a birth?" I blushed. Can't thank her more. She's my life.

My sist sent me texts, but I refused to thank her, I told her that I want a call instead.

She need some minutes to buy some credits then gave me a call.

I slept, again, in the afternoon [Yea I literally just woke up for three hours to get my lunch]

I woke up (again) at 9.00 pm

It is still a rainy day.

I decided to take a bath.

There, there it is.

I answer my sister call after took a bath

There.

To questions that I wanted to ask since the last two months finally asked. With 23 minutes call, I let all tears and all question thrown.

Yeah. My sister and I got some ‘problems’ that we haven’t finished in the last holiday when I home. 

We didn’t really talk in the last two weeks when I home. Even until my flight back to Jakarta.

After the holiday's over, when I'm here and she's there, turned out she just talk and replied me as usual in Line family group. As nothing's happened. As she didn't ignore me in that last two weeks.

Me, Im not than kind of person. I wouldn’t get through a problem just by forgetting it and pretend nothing were happened with us.

Thus, today,  I am asking and seeking for her explanations.

I cried from the very beginning. Said we should not do this. Tell her how mad I am for what she just done and did. Said she should act that way as an older sister.

She, finally cry, too.

In short, we love each other no matter what. She, is the best older sister that you ever asking for. Omg I cant believe Im crying while typing this. But yeah, I'm not gonna lie but she's just that kind of sister that would gve her everything for her sisters. Who'll prioritize her younger sisters than herself. Who'll protect me, us, no matter what.

She then apologize, me too.

We know we love each other. Mom taught us well how a sisterhood suppose to be.

We end the call by telling how much we love each other and of course, She told me she is going to send me some money as my birthday present :p

There it is.

I feel so much lighter after the call.

Yeah. All we need was just some courage to talk, to apologize, to express what we feel. 

Have I told you that I’m a strong believer upon honesty and self expression?

Its kind of 10 pm when the rain stopped and I decided to go to KFC and serve my self what I deserve.

I’m going to congratulate me.

Like, why not?

I ordered Uber to go to KFC.

Turned out, the guy who picked my order asked me some questions when we were in the ride. He asked me whether I have appointment with friend that I went to KFC

I answered; nope, I’m just going by myself. -without telling I'm going to reward myself for my birthday because he probably will find it pity and I don't have any intention to explain him my point of view about this-

AND

He texted me when I’m in KFC

“Kalau bete sendirian bilang nanti saya temenin kalau mau, Ga usa takut saya juga mahasiswa”

Lol I’m dead.

I dint take it serious.

I didn’t replied, of course.

Well, that’s for today.

Thing is, You just get more tolerance and more understanding upon your life every day, every year.

Above all, the happiness, is your own responsibility no matter what.

Why do let society define your happiness?

Happy Birthday, Me!