Getting Through

Hi buddy!
I wholeheartedly thank you for sticking with my writings and becoming one of my reasons to keep writing

This is my very first post in 2017.
I knew.
One bad thing is that, I most likely ignored my blog when I'm in a relationship. And yes, as you do the math, I just, got dumped.

This year was started greatly.
In the beginning of January, as others did, I tried to wrote down my plans and goals for this year ahead.
I had my own as well.
With the flame in my eyes, I promised that in the short term of this year I was going to complete:
-TOEFL book by February then take the test in March
-Thirty days butt-lift challenge in January
-(and anothers)

It was the very first ten days in January when I already lost count on the 30 days butt-lift challenge, while the TOEFL book keep unopened on the desk, leaving my 6 years old sister questioning
"Did you even read this thick book?"
for the sake of being a good-role-model-big-sister, I answered "Oh sure I do. I did it in the night, when you were asleep. U know u won't let me study when u r awake" she smiled.

I totally lose my plans as in February I was heading back to Depok. Everything was cool because I have supportive family and had a boyfriend that was supportive as well.

It is March when post mid term exam, as a project officer of an event in my campus, I barely had time for my self. Controlling the program while having a responsibility in my part time job ain't a joke to have in the same time. I didn't make call to home as often as I used to because I really couldn't make the time. My boyfriend was totally understand and being the best supporter during that time. He worried a lot about my meals which I skipped a lot and reminded me to make call to my home often.

Everything still seems went too well in the beginning of April.
You know, nothing of a "too" is ever good.
Yeah.
There I was.
The upcoming event is getting closer. The preparations yet was tons to do. My boyfriend finally gave up. I didn't tell home a lot what I've been facing. At that time, the limit of my suicide is slightly achievable.

It really wasn't a joke when I shouted it out loud to my best friend "sit over here with me. I'm about to die" He giggled yet put his asses next to me.
It really wasn't a joke when I whimpered telling my best friend to just stab me instead when more troubles were overwhelming.
I didn't need comforting talks, neither I need advice to even overwhelm me more at that point..
I know - I acknowledged deep down I was totally trembling and in pieces.
Hence, with the very own pieces of me that are left, I tried to embrace those. Believing the evanescence of the hardships. Knowing nobody but me is the one who had to get my self sat straight.

Exactly one day before my event is running, waiting the heavy rain to stop, one of my manager asked me
"Tomorrow is the day. What do you feel?" He licked his ice cream and looked at me waiting for answer
"Me?" I smiled "I'm about to die"
He laughed
"You didn't even stop laughing you kidding" He took a bigger bite in his ice cream. I bullied him a lot (not in that bad way) back then, we laughed a lot. He might think I'm joking knowing I tried to exasperate him a lot.
"Tomorrow is the H-day. We still have tons of preparations that are undone. It is raining today. I couldn't even tell my parents that I'm dying. My three years relationship just ruined and even get my whatsapp blocked.  How do you think I should feel okay?"
He stared at me "U kidding?" He repeated.
I shake my head "U know how truthful I am"
"But you look totally okay(?)" That wasn't a statement nor a question. I decided to smile.

In fact,

People around me, helped.

That was just as simply as a ride to my house that made me feel I'm not alone
That was just as simply as texts "Are you busy today? text me when you are not" that friends keep sending hence I feel I'm supported
That took not more than sitting next to me thus I feel listened
That took not more than a laugh that friends gave thus I feel I at least does bring happiness to people
That took me, to believe that I can get through this.

I know I said this a lot,
but I mean it

I, thank you, my self, for getting through your life. making the days count.
I, thank you, buddies, for being the people around me, who might you never realized, the reasons why this too, shall pass.