To throw the bad things away

They say we have to throw the bad things in our life away, so that we can have more space for the good things.

I've been fine living with the wrongs, that in 2020 I decided to cut them all once I noticed the good that I wanted to keep in life.

But then life, won't let you have it all.
The only good that I wanted, who is the reason I cut everyone else that does not fit my vision, does not want me back.

Lol
What a fucking clown.

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All those little things, I want it too (an ugly truth)

You know,
all those little things
that you threw for free for anyone but me
I want it too

All the love emoticons, that you put on her comment sections,
I want to attract your eyes too

All the likes, that you put on the artsy pictures in her social media
I want that validation too

All the support, that you shower on her witty writing tweet
I want you to read my writings too

All the songs, that you put on an album named after her initial
I want you to listen because of me too

All the effort, that you put to confess to her three times
I want you to try for me too, even for once

But to you,
I'm invisible

Solok, May 8th 2020

An ugly truth; you don't want me

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Inadequacy

Hi,
Welcome to my first writing in 2020, it's 1.02 a.m, May, 3rd 2020.
It's already one month since self-quarantine due to Corona.

Briefly, things are sad. people lose job, people starving, animal is starving. The fear, the tense, and the pressure from economic-life feels like it's endless.
I know it's a super privilege to not be bothered by that at all. My payroll is coming as per usual and my work does not directly depend on daily basis interaction.
Well, at least for now.
Hope it ends, soon.

On this,
It's 1 a.m and I just really need to spit it out. Maybe this gonna sound like a pathetic scream, but I couldn't care less at this point. If I'm allowed to blame Corona and it's all upbringing that gives me the wind to overshare, then so be it

***
In short:
I liked a guy who likes a very, unique woman. She's so unique that she feels like, me, but just a better achiever and live longer than me.

I know,
I know, it sounds weird and pathetic to compare,
This does not even sound like me to not love my self and to choked to death every night by the feeling of inadequacy.

But it's the truth.

I feel like I've been outsmarted by every possible step

But it's funny that
I don't hate her
I don't.
I adore her.
And I know this guy deserves to be with someone who's just as cool; her.

I've been dying to try to find different point on me and her.

Maybe, just maybe, she's bad at math when she was 5th grade?

I know I should never go to battlefield before I'm done with my self.

This, this personality of comparing, is really doesnt sound like me and I never thought I'll be one today
But when it comes to someone that you love,
it matters
because you afraid of losing them.

It is, a scream for help.
How do I escape?

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